1. Rowing With a Tea Spoon

The point of this event is to cross the Channel with nothing more than a boat and a tea spoon. You are allowed to have a spare spoon in case of an emergency tea. A very strong discipline for the British, at least once the contenders learn not to row with the spoon in a circle until a whirlpool forms.

2. Cycling With Fragile Food 

Contenders are expected to cycle from Plymouth to London with food they choose themselves and the food should be intact on arrival in London.  All variations of heat-resistant and shockproof tomatoes and eggs and others are strictly prohibited. The last event finished with short-lived happiness for the British, as they had a gold-medalist in the discipline- Simon Betters, who was quickly discovered to have cycled with a special brand of cement- chocolate muffins.

3. Dis-synchronized Swimming

A traditionally strong discipline for the British, in order to win the team is always consists of at least one Scotsman screaming for FREEDOM and swimming against everyone else, knocking them over. The British compositions are always remarkable for their intensity and chaotic choreography, as all other swimmers display near-drowning techniques in their attempts to survive the Scotsman.

4. Trampoline Tea-Drinking

One of the most dangerous events in the programme, as it accounts for almost all of the hot water burns in the British Olympics.  All players are required to drink a brand of tea of their own choice, for at least five minutes, while at the same time constantly jumping on the trampoline. All players must do at least three overhead jumps and 360 degree spins. The one with the least wet clothes wins.

5. Full Body Bathing

A strenuous event for the British and surely not one of their strongest and consequently this is one of the sports in which foreigners win most of the medals. It consists of seven consecutive days of three-hour bathing minimum followed by at least three minutes of teeth-brushing. Despite all of the best efforts of the UK team, the Icelandic people are still in full control of the event. Actually, one Fjalar Bryndísarson is still soaking and bathing from the previous British Olympics.

6. Sarcastic Archery

A sport predominated by British of all ages, it is one of the strongest disciplines for the UK, with no medal ever lost to a foreign team. The prominent British murderous sarcasm has a total body count of 108 in the just 17 Olympics and add to that millions of tarnished egos.

7. Survive the Loony

A barely legal event, in which each competitor is thrown in a contained area with a loony person. Undoubtedly one of the most dramatic and interesting events, as there is no telling what a crazy person can do. Apart from the usual naked chasing around the premises, viewers have also witnessed testicular electrocution, dish-smashing in head while eating cookies, kitten pie baking and of course the evergreen hit- spontaneous hair combustion suffered by one Arthur Bewlay after the loony licked his whiskers. For now no serious body damage has been dealt by the loonies to the sane people, apart from a couple of electrically fried testicles. Since then all electricity in the premises is prohibited and all players are required to wear protective insulator clothing.

8. High Jump with Top Hat Greeting And Wearing a Monocle

One of the most tricky of all sports, this one requires extreme agility and precision, as one must not only jump over the obstacle fully clothed. He is also expected to raise his top hat as a greeting to the audience and drop his monocle precisely in a small dish of Boeuf Stroganoff sauce.

9. Horseback Riding- Mixed

Instead of dividing this sport in three unnecessary events, the British Olympics have combined all horse-related activities into one, none of which contains sexually explicit scenes. First you do the “dressing” which is the highest expression of how well you can behave while carrying a horse on your back. The next two rounds are the “eventing” when you have to both look good, demonstrate a few types of running and struts and jump expressively over obstacles build of several layers of matchboxes. Why matchboxes? Well, honestly, nobody expects more of a man with a horse on his back! The last round, provided you are not dead by the time, is completed by moving however you can manage and jumping over higher grass.

10. Persistently Being A Foreigner

An event included in the British Olympics entirely for the purpose of tolerance and expression of good-will. No British native has ever won a medal in this sport, but the competition between everybody else is as severe as they come. The judges in this discipline are all well-bred British upper-class men and women, so only the most foreign are assured to win.



  1. Комплименти за статията! Страхотни сте! Браво!

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